Hello there, my friend!
I missed you last week! I had a great time hanging out with my California family. There’s something about being in the same time zone as those you love. Better yet, I was even in the same house!
While there, I saw something in a store that I just had to have: A set of pencils with “Old School Swear Words” written on them. The clincher was that one of them said, “H-E-Double Hockey Sticks.” Why did I have to have these? Allow me to explain.
I’ve never been a big swearer. My parents weren’t big on swearing. (I know some people refer to such language as “cussing” or “cursing,” but where I come from, it was known as swearing.) My dad was a very gentle-spirited man, but if he ever was fixing something and it wasn’t going the way he wanted it to, we heard all the words. This didn’t often happen, as he was very handy and fixed things all the time. Then we heard whistling and humming and singing. But every so often, when things went awry, the whistling stopped, and the swearing began.
I only ever heard my mom swear once, and it was because I’d made her very angry. Well, how would you feel if your mom was trying to make you wear your older sister’s pedal pushers that were way not in fashion anymore? Yes, they were in perfect condition and fit me, but this was the era of super long bell bottoms, not short, skinny-legged pedal pushers. My refusal to comply broke my mom’s patience. Out came a bad word.
Once, when I was probably around 13 or so and hanging out with my much cooler cousin, I tried my hand at swearing. I don’t think she was a big swearer, but she lived in California, wore bell bottoms, had gorgeous long blonde hair, and knew Led Zeppelin songs by heart. How was I supposed to compete with that? Let me think . . .
I know. I’ll swear.
And so, I did. Or at least attempted to. The problem was the swear word I chose to utter was a compound word, and I got the two parts inverted. I used it as an adjective, but as it was leaving my foul mouth, I suspected something was wrong. It just didn’t sound right. My cousin looked at me oddly but didn’t correct my error. I love her for the grace extended to me at that moment.
I knew at that moment I wasn’t cut out to be a cusser. Or a curser. Take your pick.
Over the years, I have come up with some of my own words that circle dangerously close to the original swear words and still give me some satisfaction in the utterance of said words. I’m sure you’ve heard of some.
“Shiitake mushrooms.” See? You are saying a bad word but adding some syllables to make it more socially acceptable. Still satisfying in communicating angst.
“Fart Sandwich” or “Fart Potatoes.” I’m sorry if you don’t like the word “fart” here, but it’s better than another word starting with the same letter and somehow makes me feel better when I say it when something goes wrong.
“H-E-Double Hockey Sticks” or “H-E-Double toothpicks.” Yes, a lot more syllables than the original word, but less offensive and just plain funnier.
Then, of course, there are all the combinations of “dadgummit,” “dang nabbit,” “gosh darn it,” and so on, which are also commonly used old-school swear words. Oh, and let’s not forget “gull dern.”
I’ve come across others like me over the years. Imagine my glee when I was working at the concession stand for one of my son’s lacrosse games and having a friendly conversation with another mom I’d just met. Our attention turned to the field as one of our boys was about to score a goal for our team. Something happened at the last moment, and the other team got hold of the ball. And then she said it. Loud and clear for all to hear, she shouted . . .
“Poop-dee-doos!”
Wait. Poop-dee-doos? Poop-dee-doos?? Why hadn’t I thought of that? Here was my sister from another mister! I knew I’d found a friend then and there.
I have another friend whose husband declares, “Jiminy Crickets!” when he hits a golf ball, and it doesn’t go as he’d wished. Gosh, I love that guy.
All this clean talk has earned me some titles. I’ve been called “Pollyanna” more than once. “Goody Two Shoes” a few times. Someone once asked me if I was “so straight” I couldn’t even say “sh*t” when I referred on Facebook to a bear pooping in the woods. I answered, “Yes.”
You see, when I was 13, I wanted to fit in and be what everyone thought I should be. Somehow, I thought swearing would help, but you already know how that turned out.
But now that I’m a few years past 13, I’m okay with being this way. Call me names if you want, but this is just who I am. I know the world thinks it’s cooler to be more like Beth Dutton and less like Sandra Dee. (It always bothered me that Sandy had to go all “cigarette-smokey/tight pantsy” to get Danny Zuko.) Those two are fictitious characters of two extremes. I’m just little ol’ me somewhere in between.
What’s the encouragement in all of this? Well, I wanted to let you know that you shouldn’t feel “lesser than” because you don’t measure up to anyone else’s standards. You be you!
I have a picture on the wall in my office of an Oscar Wilde quote that says, “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.” I wish I had believed that 49 years ago, when I was a young girl, swearing to fit in.
Consarnit! For criminy sake! Have yourself a fabulous gosh darn week, okay?
Written with love – – – Patti XOXO
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly
trying to make you something else
is the greatest accomplishment.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson